Sand sculpture made by dried grass

Psychological research has shown that if the evidence of our senses runs contrary to our picture of self, then that evidence is distorted. In other words, we cannot see all that our senses report, but only the things which fit the picture we have.

- Carl Rogers

This situation is probably recognizable:

You are running a meeting discussing your concerns about the lack of employee responsiveness to the Company’s newly mandated work management process.

One Manager in the meeting crosses his arms, leans back in his chair, and angrily states that he doesn’t appreciate being blamed for the failure of a new practice that wastes time and causes more problems than it corrects.

That Manager is displaying classic Defensive Behavior and is inviting you to deal with it.

There are several principles related to this situation that must be understood…

People become defensive for a reason.

Someone may become defensive when they

• Feel they are being attacked
• Believe an unfair judgement is being made about them
• Believe they are being blamed for something that is not their responsibility
• Think others are acting on misinformation or have misinterpreted a situation
• Anticipate they will experience an unfair consequence for someone else’s decision or action

THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT DEFENSIVENESS

You don’t have to react to it.

In fact, if you can avoid reacting, you could learn something!

A person’s defensiveness can be useful information.

• It alerts you to a significant difference in perspective.

If they don’t fly that defensive flag, a person who goes along with you even though they disagree would keep you in the dark regarding their true feelings.

• Examining their perspective might lead to a more accurate assessment of the situation.

It’s possible that their perspective is valid if looked at from a point of view you didn’t recognize. Be open to the possibility.

• It cues you to what is important to them.

RESPONDING TO DEFENSIVENESS:

DO’S & DON’TS

1. Don’t ignore the defensive behavior.

It sends the message that you don’t care or that you’re not paying attention.

If ignored, the behavior will only escalate or turn passive aggressive.

Do acknowledge what you observe and experience.

"Looks to me like you’re upset about implementing this new work practice."

"I really want to hear what you have to say and it’s important to me that you understand where I’m coming from."

2. Don’t assume you know what is contributing to their reactions.

   You could be wrong.

   Do examine the legitimacy of their perspective.

   Inquire about their reasons for taking this position. Ask for any supporting evidence they may have. 

   “Help me understand why you believe that this new practice is a waste of time and creates more problems than it corrects.” 

   “What leads you to this conclusion?” 

   “Do you have any evidence to back up your assumptions?”

3. Don’t engage in a power struggle bycontinually trying to prove your point.

   It is tempting, but a waste of time.
   

   A natural reaction to someone who is defensive is to:
   	Tune the person out
   		Look for an opening in the conversation to make your points
   			Engage in a struggle over control of the conversation
   				Become argumentative

   Constructive dialogue suffers.

   Do listen by summarizing what you believe is their point of view.

   “Let me know if I got this right. You’re saying…”

   Do ask them to summarize your point of view.

   "What do think my main point is?"

   Do agree to disagree.

   “It appears that we each have a very different perspective on this issue.”

   “This new work practice is a Company mandate. You may not believe it will make a difference, however we need to develop a plan for how it will be implemented.”

   Do let them know their options.

   “We can continue to discuss this next week at which point we will both have had a chance to investigate this issue in more detail.”

4. Don’t fuel anger by becoming angry and defensive yourself.

   Anger serves a purpose. It is a protective strategy.

   When people feel threatened or attacked, anger is used as a way to protect them from harm.

   Do acknowledge their feelings.

   This is a difficult strategy to undertake because the last thing you want to do is to reach out to the person who is directing their anger at you.

Statements/Questions often work to diffuse a person’s anger.

• You’re really angry.
• You’re upset with me for what I’ve said.
• What has gotten you so angry that you are at the boiling point?